gym rats

My sister sent me a funny story from Gawker on crazy gym people.

You could call me a gym rat. I'm there 4-5 times a week for 90 minutes a day of running and lifting. As a result, I've logged in a lot of time observing the crazy characters and I'm sure some of them look at me a little funny in return.

There's one lady who makes loud obscene sex grunts as she lifts weights with her trainer. People smirk when they hear it.

There's a dude who wears the smallest spandex outfit and stretches like a flaming contortionist. One day he grabs a mat next to me and tries to "show" me some new techniques. Then he blabs to me about how he loves Bruce Lee and zen. As if I know anything about that stuff. He might be a gay asiaphile or he might not. I won't assume.

There's old men who need to be more discreet with their nudity. A brief moment of nakedness is unavoidable in the locker room but there's no need for you to be fully naked in front of the sink...slowly shaving your face while humming some tune from yesteryear. Is it that hard to throw a towel on?

There's a Paris Hilton wannabe with fake breasts (she disappeared for a couple months only to resurface with a noticeably augmented endowment) in a designer pink Juicy Couture sweatsuit with obnoxious bling accessories. She treats the treadmill as a runway and catwalks slowly so as not to sweat over her makeup or distract her iphone scrolling.

There's an older guy with a sweating problem. He drips pools of sweat underneath himself at the NordicTrack machine. It looks like he had a bladder problem and pissed on the floor...but its really just perspiration. He's courteous enough to lay newspaper under the machine to catch the downpour of sweat. And he spends an hour cleaning up afterwards. Everyone who sees it avoids the machine for the rest of the day.

There's a roaming middle-aged pervert who wears the same sweatshirt every day advertising a landscaping/lawn mowing company. He follows around younger girls around the gym trying to talk to them. He has absolutely no game.

One day, while running on the treadmill, I had the pleasure of observing him on the stairmaster in front of me. He stares at the college age chick next to him for a while - probably thinking of a witty opener and finally comes up with, "Its warmer than usual this time of year isn't it?" She takes off her headphones and replies, "Huh?" He'll repeat his question - raising his voice. She'll reply with a "Yeah...". Awkward silence ensues. She's polite but obviously not interested. He comes up with nothing else to say. Silence signals the end of the conversation and she puts her headphones back on.

After seemingly an eternity of dead air, he inexplicably puts his face in her sight and says "Maybe Al Gore was right...hehe" She takes off her headphones and replies, "Huh?!" He raises his voice again, "AL GORE. You, know...why its warmer than usual...global warming..." This goes on and on. Poor girl had to keep putting on and taking off her headphones as he continued this strange one-way conversation. Finally she leaves. Mildly entertaining but agonizing at the same time.

Its funny to be a regular at a gym. I don't treat it as a social outlet like others. Its more of a "me" time meditative getaway. But you end up noticing and getting familiar with everybody's quirks. And familiarity with a cast of regulars breeds a strange comfort level. I end up making nicknames for everybody...